Triggered & Truthful

Unfiltered & no proof reading… just clicking publish on this one 🫣

I don’t know where to begin

But as they say, “to begin, begin.”

This will definitely be more of a stream of consciousness share, but what I’ve learned over time through journaling and even voice texting that the stream of consciousness sharing is where it’s at. It’s raw, real and unfiltered… it allows one to fully get their thoughts out without being interrupted by anyone else’s thoughts, advice, or interjections and it really provides the space for profound processing. So let’s see where this goes. I already know I’m going to have to press publish before I proof read because if I proof read, I won’t publish and it is so important for my personal journey and work right now to show up fully unpolished.

I am feeling so melancholy today which truthfully is a wild feeling for me. I am your poster-child generator. Everything about me is all about vibey energy most of the time and I must admit that in general I operate in that space most days. I have loads of natural energy, I am always willing to shift my perspective to turn any challenge or bump in the road into a lesson/opportunity for growth. If you’re in my world, you KNOW how much I love you and care about you… no question. I am your biggest cheerleader and just want everyone to feel their best and live in alignment with who they came here to be.

However, I am human so this ball of energy that I am most of the time isn’t my reality all the time. Today was one of those days… after being triggered deeply by someone I care about, I took a moment as I always do to take a good look in the mirror. Every time I’m triggered, I always spend time considering “why is this in the movie of my life? What is this here to teach me? How can I personally evolve from this triggering experience?” And while I spent time in that space and definitely saw some places for growth within my own being, I also had this very real moment of realizing: it’s not always on me to do all of the evolving… 😳

Sure I will continue to use any and every opportunity to better myself, but also sometimes people are rude. Sometimes people are thinking only about themselves. Sometimes people are emotionally unevolved. And I sat with that truth and gave myself some grace and a massive hug.

It felt like I was hugging the 8yr old version of myself and I told that sweet child, “you are a good person. You are kind, loving, and compassionate. You do not deserve to be treated this way.”

I can learn and grow AND at the same time I can be upset, frustrated, and mad. I can have compassion for people who knowingly or unknowingly trigger me and genuinely hope the best for them AND say enough is enough…

On top of the triggering moment, my youngest son has a cough and my middle son came home from school with a slight fever today. Today of all days… when my oldest daughter is experiencing her last day at a 10 yr old.

Willow turns 11 tomorrow… so I’m sure there’s something to that causing my melancholy mood because how on earth is my BABY about to journey around the sun yet again?!? For her birthday, we planned an overnight farm stay at her favorite place in Bali. She invited a few of her closest friends for an evening and morning of farm chores (her favorite thing on the planet) and learning about regenerative agriculture. This is her dream birthday scenario… and I was to be the chaperone. This is not my dream scenario. I love a farm moment and deeply appreciate farm life but truthfully, I’m not one to get jazzed about farm chores. Imma be me, you be you. However, it’s what my girl wanted to do for her birthday so I was gearing up to make her birthday dreams come true.

I was really having to give myself pep talks all day. I wanted nothing more than to be there for my girl but was worried my mood would be obvious and affect the energy of the group. I will say though- I’m a great actress so I can put on a “happy face” anytime needed thanks to years on stage and also living in the south where it’s often the vibe to pretend things are way better than they actually are. I can razzle and dazzle no matter what I’m actually feeling inside. But recently I’ve given myself the mission and task of being more honest at all times. I don’t have to put on a happy face if I’m not happy. I don’t have to pretend things are way better than they are. I have given myself the duty as of late of being truthful. I owe it to myself, I owe it to god, I owe it to my children, I owe it to my husband, I owe it to everyone I come in contact with.

To put it simply, I felt torn between being there for my daughter and honoring the truth that I really didn’t want to go to the farm party.

Because of the boys being under the weather, one of us was staying home with them regardless… (we are celebrating Willow al weekend by the way- this is just her party with her friends, but still the guilt I put on myself for not being able to snap out of it was so real). And so I got home from Pilates, buying Willow’s birthday books, and lunch and when I saw Ben (my husband), I started crying. I told him I was going to try to get it together but I was hurt and I just couldn’t snap out of it. I figured with some tea, a good long motorbike ride, some sunshine and coconut water, I could get it together. But he knows me… he knows when I am down that I really am down. He knows what I need in those moments: space to process.

He knows that when I am not jazzed, I am in a deep state of processing, learning, unraveling, and growing. It can be intense because I take it so seriously. I don’t just brush things off. I go deep. I don’t burry things, I face them. I refuse to not… it is physically impossible for me to let things slide and I can’t wait to process. I go in and I go hard right then and there. And Ben is fully aware of this truth of me.

I always come out on the other end stronger, more evolved, and more resilient, but I’m not going to lie- it’s intense. It literally feels like death. I go in and allow a part of me that is no longer serving me to die… or I go in and allow a certain aspect of a relationship to disintegrate… and it feels like a funeral. There is sadness and grief and then it’s over and I experience rebirth. It’s like clockwork at this point. Sometimes it feels magical, sometimes it’s brutal because I feel everything so deeply- the good stuff and the hard stuff. I feel EVERYTHING so intensely. It makes some people feel uncomfortable while it inspires others. Most of the time when I’m triggered it’s because my truth made someone uncomfortable (that’s the irony of it).

Anyway, Ben knew what was happening when he saw me before I was about to pack for the overnight farm stay and said, “why don’t you let me go in your place? Willow will totally understand. The boys aren’t feeling great and you need some space.”

He was so right and I fell into his arms and said “Thank you.” I felt instantly lighter. Like an exhale. He reminded me that I have planned a tea party for Willow on Sunday and am taking her to the spa on Saturday- I will have plenty of time to honor her and celebrate the magic that she is.

That then sent me into another intense emotional wave (I’m emotional authority in human design, by the way 😉)- just thinking of how unbelievably amazing our children are… how proud I am of our parenting and our choices… how the way we parent and the environments we put our children in and the ones we choose not to put our children in may be problematic to some, but for us, proof is in the puddin. They are incredible children and I’m so emotional right now with the deepest gratitude that they chose me to be their mother. I really am constantly flabbergasted that these precious souls wanted to do life with me this time around. I also took a moment to honor the fact that they are amazing on their own, but also part of their amazingness has to do with how they’re raised and their environments. I wrote this in hopes that any other parent or caregiver reading can also take a moment to be proud of the choices you’ve made for your children… for your family… the beauty and brilliance of your children is partly just who they are, but the way they’re raised and the environments they’re in often also play massive roles in who they are. So please, take a moment to consider all you have done well in your parenting or caregiving thus far. Whether people get you and your choices or not, whether you feel supported or not… take this time right here and now to celebrate your journey, your choices, and your truth that you’ve stuck to no matter what anyone else said or believed about you/your parenting.

And now, here I am still processing in this moment… having a cup of tea while Kai lies on my bed watching a movie. Ben is with Willow and her friends. And Silas is on the way home with his nanny to be with me now that I’m home. And it is just as it’s meant to be.

I pray that this inspires us all to give ourselves more grace, to honor our highs and our lows, to release the need to pretend or put on a show, and celebrate all the choices we’ve made that reflect the truth of our hearts. May we continue to live from this place- from our unapologetic hearts, from that space of deep realness within us- from a place where we can have compassion for those who hurt us AND take no shit at the same time. Stay true to your insides and I promise it pays off more than we could ever imagine. I promise.

But remember, in order to stay true to our insides, we have to know our insides- we must spend actual time getting to know ourselves when we’re up and when we’re down. We must pay attention to what feels aligned and what feels off. It comes down to living our lives undistracted and highly aware, tuned in to who we are and who we are not at all times. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to our partners, we owe it to our children, friends, and family, we owe it to god. And so it is.