The Latte Lesson
Kai ordered a latte at school and it became such a revelatory parenting moment...
I am howling at the first “Kai Email” we received from school. Only three days in and he’s already making a name for himself in grade 4. 😂
Of course, when I saw the subject line and began to read the first few words, my heart dropped. I thought, “Noooo! Not already! Kai, what this time?”
Then I read on: Kai had ordered a coffee at the café at school and drank it — which is obviously not allowed for nine-year-olds at Green School (see screenshot of the actual email):
When Kai came home, I gave him the chance to tell me what happened. He couldn’t figure out what I was hinting at. Finally, I said, “Kai, I was told you ordered and drank a coffee at school.” He laughed and said, “Oh yeah! I thought I was ordering hot milk because in Italy latte means milk, not coffee. But then it came and it was coffee, so I drank it because it was good.”
Knowing his teacher had already explained why coffee isn’t great for growing bodies, I left it at that — and applauded him for his honesty. Then we all died laughing.
But in that moment, I really saw my boy differently. Kai has always been our “hardest” when it comes to making wise choices and being mindful. Yet here he was — independent, responsible, and honest. He nonchalantly told the truth (if you knew our past struggles with him, you’d know what a big deal this really was). And it was easy for him to be honest because he wasn’t punished. His teacher didn’t scold him. He knew I wouldn’t either. That made the truth simple to share.
The parenting lifestyle we live may leave many scratching their heads: Where’s the structure? The discipline? The punishment?
How do kids learn if they never “get in trouble”?
How do they follow rules if there aren’t really rules?
How do they respect authority if their mother isn’t authoritative?
How do they do what they’re “supposed” to when they can do what they want?
Here’s what it looks like in our home:
Instead of rules, we have guidelines.
Instead of telling them what to do, I open conversations.
Instead of punishment, we use discussion and learning.
Instead of random consequences, the consequence is always directly related to the action. (We’d never take away a favorite toy because they didn’t eat dinner. Toys and dinner don’t connect — that kind of punishment makes no sense in a child’s brain.)
Instead of being authoritative, we build mutual respect through conversation, explanation, and honesty.
Instead of barking orders, we talk about our values (a clean home, calm energy, a beautiful, loving life) and ask how they can help. “Do you enjoy when the house is filthy, or when it feels nice and clean?” They always answer, “Nice and clean.” Then I ask, “So how can you help us keep it that way as a team?”
Instead of demanding they do things my way, I let them try, learn, and sometimes mess up. Or I ask if they’d like guidance. If yes, I take the time to teach.
Most of the time we get upset at kids simply for being kids. Their brains don’t think like ours yet. Their version of a “clean room” may genuinely feel clean to them. Taking the time to show them how to do it, why it matters, and guiding them with patience works better than yelling because we assume they know how to do x, y, and z because we do.
We’ve seen massive shifts since moving to Bali and becoming more intentional in our parenting. We used to use the time-out chair (zero results). We used to yell. We used to get so frustrated.
Now? Not so much. We still have moments, but they’re so much less frequently than they used to be. Our children aren’t perfect, but our family dynamic has transformed — because our parenting shifted from discipline to connection… punishment to compassion… frustration to understanding… yelling to teaching, listening, and respect.
And the results have blown our minds.
It hasn’t come without work. Ben and I have doubled down on nervous system regulation, gone deeper in personal growth, and prayed more than ever before. Honestly, I don’t know how conscious parenting is possible unless parents are actively doing their own work. Parenting will make you feel psychotic at times. One moment you’re at the tipping point, about to explode… two seconds later your toddler hugs you through crocodile tears and your heart bursts with so much love you think you’ll explode from that too.
That’s why tending to yourself is vital. It should be a requirement for parenting:
Learn how to regulate your nervous system.
Know your triggers.
Find tools to process emotion.
Discover what you enjoy beyond motherhood and make space for it.
Learn how to breath… like really breathe.
Don’t shove feelings down. Find ways to digest them — therapy, yoga, somatics, journaling, prayer.
I get asked about motherhood daily, and here’s the truth: none of the books or podcasts matter unless the mother or father are tending to themselves. Conscious parenting isn’t possible without self-connection first.
Do I feel guilty sometimes that Willow and Kai got a different version of me than Silas is getting at such an early age? Yes. But then I remind myself: they are getting the exact mother their souls called in.
So what does all this have to do with Kai ordering a latte?
It showed me how far we’ve come. A year ago, I would’ve waited for him to get home and scolded him. This time, I laughed. We both handled it with love and respect. He learned from it because he wasn’t shamed. He wasn’t told “you’re bad.” He was educated: The teacher explained the effects caffiene has on growing bodies and brains and then I took the time to educate him on how much money he has on his money card for school and how much any snack and drink costs. I taught him that he has this much money for this amount of time and when it runs out it’s gone. If he buys lattes and drinks multiple times a day, he will be out of money in two weeks. We ran the numbers together. He saw it with his own eyes. Now it is his decision. But I watched it click- like literally he got it and understood in that moment. It was so different from how it used to be when he did something he wasn’t “supposed” to do.
And for the first time, I saw him own his responsibility without fear.
He’s even carried that responsibility into other areas. He came to me recently to ask if it was possible to begin playing video games… he has a Nintendo switch but he only uses it when we travel. Since he received the switch, we’ve always had those guidelines and truthfully, he’s always been grateful for the opportunity when we travel and has never asked for more time because he just knows travel days equal some video games (only animal crossing, Zelda, and Mario cart- absolutely no Minecraft or the killing games). However he has a new friend who plays a lot more than he does and he thought he’d ask.
He came to me with no expectations and even said “it’s ok if you say no, but I thought I’d ask.” Anyway, he asked if it would be possible to play once a week for one hour. The old me would have said absolutely no. I am really anti video games… for a million reasons… but, I thought- here’s an opportunity to learn, listen, and grow together.
So I said, “I am open to the conversation and here’s what I’m wondering. What are the positive and negative effects of one hour once a week on the brain of a 9 year old? What would we need to be aware of? What happens to our bodies when playing video game?” I sent him off to research.
He then came back with a pros and cons list. We reviewed the list together and I saw both sides of his case. I asked again why this felt important to him and he explained why he enjoyed each game. Then I asked what we could do to combat the cons… which were things like addiction, bad for eyes and posture, overstimulating for the nervous system, and attention/focus issues. So we came up with ideas for how to balance about the negative side effects.
For example, he said he would set a time for one hour and never go over, after each level or an accomplishment he would pause and do some jumping jacks, before he starts playing he will say a prayer of gratitude to remind himself to stay grateful and have fun no matter what, and immediately after he plays, he goes directly outside to put his bare feet on the earth and feel air on his skin.
That may sound extreme and dramatic to many, but for Kai and me, it feels balanced and aligned. He really understood the why — the pros and cons. He understands why one hour per week is more than enough. And ultimately, when he does get to play, he’s grateful afterwards.
We’ve implemented this for the past few weeks, and honestly, he’s kind of forgotten that he even has access to video games one hour per week. The other day, after a playdate, he told me they had played video games and, without me saying a word, he said: “So I already got to play my hour this week.”
He didn’t push for more. He didn’t argue. He simply recognized that his body and brain had had enough
.
I share this not to say our parenting or relationships with our children are perfect, but to highlight what’s actually working — something we don’t talk about nearly enough as parents.
Most of the time we share how hard it is. But I want to start celebrating the moments when I can see things shifting — when the parent/child dynamic clicks in a new way.
Because the truth is, these “challenging” moments are actually opportunities — for learning, for growth, for expansion on both sides. But only if we pause. Only if we explain why. Only if we take the time to connect the dots between choices and their ripple effects.
This is why I’m so passionate about my own personal development, spirituality, and emotional health. Because I’ve seen firsthand how much more potent and alive relationships become when both parent and child are aware of who they truly are — and willing to do the work to show up as their best selves.
When I’m regulated, when I’m connected to myself, the choices I make as a mother flow easily. When I’m not — when I’m disconnected, dysregulated, or ignoring my own emotional health — I don’t make great choices. It really is that simple.
That’s why I created The Remembering — my most recent offering. It’s an intention-setting ceremony for soul-led living, infused with science-based spirituality, actionable takeaways, and practices you can revisit again and again. It’s not just for parents — it’s for anyone who wants to live more aligned, more awake, more themselves.
And it lights my whole soul on fire in the best way because it works. These are practices that I have personally used and continue to use, science that I’ve studied (specifically neuroscience), and wisdom I’ve gained through years of actually living it and applying it all to my life and then watching the positive changes come pouring in.
I offer it in this format because it’s so powerful to take the time to actually do the work yourself. At some point in our lives, we have to realize no one is going to make us better, happier parents. Having our partners, parents, or children change won’t be the thing that changes our lives. If we want anyone in our lives to change or operate in a different way, we better buckle down on the prayer “God, please help ME change. Help me to see them or this differently.”
And I’m telling you- it is through the work on Self that I have come to this phase of parenthood.
I feel 80% different in motherhood than I did only one year ago. Lifestyle shifts have contributed certainly, but more than anything it is the direct result of Ben and I looking at ourselves in the mirror and saying, we have to do things differently… we can’t go on like this. And then pouring ourselves into personal and spiritual development. Hence the birth of The Remembering, which is designed for any human on any walk of life- not just a support resource for parents.
But I will say even if you never read a parenting book or listen to parenting advice on a podcast, if you simply focus on personal development, emotional health, and raising you own vibration DAILY, you really don’t even need the parenting advice because you’ll innately know exactly what to do as a mother or father. We are always looking outside of ourselves for all the answers, for what we should do, for where we should go, for how we should parent. But, I’m here to remind you the spiritual truth that we all know but no one really wants to hear: everything you need is already within.
The reason no one wants to hear that part is because then we have to take personal responsibility in our lives. We can no longer blame our upbringing, past trauma, parents, children, or spouses. We simply have to look within, which to many can feel way harder than blaming others. It’s so much easier to say “I yell at my children because they’re out of control and since I was yelled at as a child, that’s all I know to do. If my parents didn’t yell at me, I wouldn’t yell at my children. If my children weren’t so wild, I wouldn’t yell at them. If my partner supported me more, I wouldn’t yell.” And yet, the only way to stop yelling is to learn how to regulate your own insides, tend to your own emotional health, and understand who you are and why you’re on this planet.
And I love The Remembering so much because you can revisit it over and over again. You can download the meditations and return to them often. You can take the science and practices and apply it to your real, everyday life. It’s a living ceremony that we return to any time we need to REMEMBER who we truly are so we can show up in the world from that place. Because when we remember and live in alignment with that remembrance, we add so much value to the world and ultimately raise the vibration of our home life, work life, social life, family life, and ultimately the entire planet.
Sending you all so much genuine love. Thank you for being here. We’re all in this together.
In Reverence and Gratitude,
Alee
PS: If this work resonates, I am so grateful for your sharing it with people in your life you think might benefit from it. And if you’re wanting to go deeper, we’re doing that over on The Portal. There, I offer more teachings, ritual, and meditations- more practical and applicable. It’s where we take what we’re learning and then APPLY it to real life. It’s so juicy and loaded with value that isn’t time-sensitive. Every single post holds incredible wisdom and practices you can use to enhance your life TODAY
