Beneath the Noise
What day of silence, dead rats, and shadow monsters revealed about the art of listening.
While I, of course, knew what to expect because it had been all the talk around the island for weeks, still waking up to complete darkness and quiet was a feeling I will never forget.
It was eerie, peaceful, and quite shocking all at once.
Every year, the entire island of Bali honors the first new moon of the zodiac calendar as the new year. This was the time our ancestors or just about every culture always celebrated the beginning of a new year until the Gregorian calendar came into play. On the dark moon (and this year on a solar eclipse), we welcomed Nyepi- a day of silence for the entire island.
Nyepi technically began at 6am on the morning of the new moon; however I was wide awake at 5:30. Not unlike me at all, but usually I wake up and scrape my tongue, splash cold water on my face, have warm lemon water, and meditate. On this day, I felt like I was waking up for Christmas morning. I was so excited to experience the day of silence that I couldn’t even meditate… the irony. In my defense, I knew I would have all day to do so.
I just wanted to bathe in the quiet and FEEL the island exhale. I couldn’t close my eyes. On this day, there is no work, no phones, everyone stays at their houses and does not venture out. There are no motorbikes, cars, or planes. Full blown quiet… complete stillness. A pause to breathe out and do nothing.
No lights can be on from 6am to 6am and the local Banjar cruises around the village to ensure there are no lights on. The culture honors this tradition because it is the new year and they believe in the power of beginning a new cycle in quiet reflection instead of chaos. They believe in order to have a prosperous and abundant year, we must get quiet and still, we must pray, and simply LISTEN.
“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” Ram Dass
Months leading up to Nyepi, the Balinese come back together in their respective villages to create Ogoh Ogohs - massive papier-mâché sculptures resembling demons, horrific monsters, and evil spirits.
As I cruised down the wild and rugged streets of Bali leading up to this time, it took everything I had to stay focused on the road ahead because this massive sculptures being created little by little, day by day was mesmerizing.
The crafting of the works of art takes months and it is a spiritual experience in and of itself because the Ogoh Ogohs represent the shadows that live within us and as the people come together to design and build these gory masterpieces, they pour any darkness that lives within them into the Ogoh Ogoh. And don’t is said the gorier the monster, the more cleansed one will be. The intention is to purify yourself through the process and put any shadows into the sculpture as a way to cleanse your mind, body, and spirit before the New Year (Nyepi).
On the eve of Nyepi, each village has their own Ogoh Ogoh parade where they parade these gigantic creatures down the streets of their respective villages to scare away the darkness or evil spirits around us and within us.
Our family gathered with the rest of the village, clad in our traditional Balinese garb to witness these oddly gorgeous, yet undeniably creepy Ogoh Ogohs make their grand debuts. We were on the rooftop of the village center and I’m not going to lie, I was like a little school girl- my inner cheerleader could not be hidden. I was hooting and hollering and just floored with how powerful it was. Amongst all the movement, chanting, and FIRE, I found myself in this moment of peace, if only for a brief few seconds, just thinking about how beautiful it is to have fun with the shadows, to create a parade around cleansing ourselves (and our streets) of dark energy, to have a night where everyone comes together and has a blast by ridding ourselves of any negativity we’ve picked up over the past year.
What a concept to actually enjoy the process of purification, to have fun with the act of cleansing ourselves. And the biggest thing is admitting that we all have shadows, we pick up negative energy sometimes, we all have hidden fears and worries… but on this night, we say “enough! Wash me clean.” And so it is.
We don’t have to harp on the fact that we carry shadows and we certainly don’t have to live in the shadows… but it is quite essential to acknowledge them, cleanse, release, and move forward.
The energy on the island days leading up to Ogoh Ogoh and Nyepi was palpable and tangible for me. Even though I wasn’t creating my own Ogoh Ogoh, I was in deep prayer, I was sculpting my own shadow monster in my mind. On the past full moon, I realized it was just time to take out some internal trash. I have done so much work on myself… like constantly in the flow of evolving… and yet I have one pattern, story, lesson that just continues to show up in my life- different characters (sometimes), various scenarios, but ultimately the same lesson: I don’t know what reciprocity feels like because I don’t think I deserve it. It makes me sad to write the sentence because my thinking mind is so beyond that belief. I know in my mind I am worthy and valuable, but there is a DEEPLY ingrained belief that lives within me- I mean deep within me- that genuinely believes I’m not worthy.
Now, honeys, when I tell you I have done the unblocking around this… when I tell you I have done the shadow work… she has meditated, she has prayed, she has done hypnosis. But this is deep (and the root cause is a topic for another essay or podcast episode). The thesis is I don’t believe I am a good person. In my mind, I know I am a good person, but there is still a belief deep within my subconscious that is tricking me into continuing on with this pattern.
It shows up as lack of reciprocity and it shows up in certain relationships and with my work. Bottom line is I, like so many of you reading this probably, pour my entire being into everything I do. Like ALL of me. There is no halfway… there’s not even 90%… it’s literally all or nothing and most of the time it’s all.
I used to come home from teaching in my early days so unbelievably drained. Eventually Ben (my husband) had an intervention and said, “You give everything to your work and students then come home and have nothing to give to us, your family.” Oooooweee did that hurt to hear. In that moment, I cried and said “how can I pour anything into y’all? I pour everything I am into RFY and the students- between teaching, creating classes, being a listening ear to my students for hours in the lobby, and running the business, I have nothing left. And I feel like I’m doing my best. How dare you!”
It was hard too because we weren’t making nearly as much money as something as valuable as RFY should be making. I couldn’t figure out how a business that creates so much magic in a community, a place that genuinely helps people, an organization that has a heart of gold and really just wants to help people feel their best wasn’t making more simply based on the principle of VALUE.
Ben went on to share, “you are not receiving as much energy as you’re giving and it’s not sustainable.”
He was right… it was not sustainable. And so I began creating more boundaries and hired help. And things grew beautifully from there but still I find myself returning to that same story. The numbers don’t add up, the quality of energy exchange doesn’t sit right with me and not just in regard to RFY, but I see it often in many areas of my life. And I am continually challenged, perplexed, and triggered by the lack of reciprocity in my life.
Therefore on the past full moon, after nearly stepping on two dead rats in one day, I got the hint from the universe: it’s time to take out the trash. Not anyone else’s trash, but my own. Enough with this same block, same story, same lesson. So for the past two weeks, I prayed to god, “I’m really tired of this same story on repeat. I’m ready for a new lesson, I’m ready to graduate from this pattern. But I’m going to need your help. My thinking mind is ready to make a massive shift, but for some reason I still hold this belief and I’m really done with it. So god, please do whatever it takes to make this lesson so unbearable that the only option I have is change. I’m open to intensity, challenge, celebration, pain, beauty… whatever I need in order to have no other choice but to change- to cleanse this specific shadow and purify this belief so that it is fully and completely transmuted. Let’s up level. And remember, make it intense. The more intense, the better. I can take it because I’m really serious about this. A new story begins asap. Forever in love and grateful. And so it is.”
I experienced two weeks of grieving who I once was I was making space for who I’m becoming. And I continued to pray the prayer. I had a few instances that were very revealing of where energy is not reciprocal. And the best thing is I had a couple instances that made me realize how valuable my energy truly is (as is yours!).
I wouldn’t say I’m on the other end quite yet, but on that day where the whole island went quiet, I could really hear because I had the opportunity to listen. Because there was no extra noise, nothing extra to do… Who I’m becoming and what life looks and feels like on the other of this sticky belief makes me proud and excited. This will no longer be a pattern in my life. Mark my words.
It required me really listening to my insides in order to realize all of this though. It wasn’t always in the quiet or stillness that had this revelation about what truly blocks me the most in relationship, work, and finances, but it was always from listening. I have recently completely let go of any and all television, wouldn’t watch the news if someone paid me, have cleaned up who I follow on social media (people I love or am inspired by, spiritual teachings, travel, and art accounts), and no podcasts. Now, I’m really only engaging with things that do not feel like noise, but genuine enrichment: a handful of writers on substack, audiobooks that truly teach and inspire me, and LOADS of real deal books. My playlists on Spotify are mostly spiritual or neoclassical. And all of this is not a result of creating rules and guidelines for myself. I didn’t say “you can no longer watch television shows” or “rap music is not allowed in your ears.” It just came from listening more and when I listen to the words in rap songs, I’m mostly uninspired, when I listen to the whining and anger in pop music, I’m irritated, when I watch television, I’m not really that interested. None of these things are inherently bad. I want to be really clear. It doesn’t make one more spiritual because they don’t engage in this type of entertainment or content on TikTok, it’s just what we choose to listen to and engage with based on the realities we want to live in. For me, I’m in my wealth, wellness, spirituality, and sublime era (those words are the pillars of my true core essence) therefore, I naturally no longer welcome energies into my life that don’t support those 4 words in some way, shape, or form. And through the reduction of noise and stimulation recently, I have really been able to listen to the blocks that are still within me keeping me from fully living out those 4 words. I’m able to know what’s inspiring to ME, I can easily decipher what’s going to enhance my energy vs deplete it. I am living a more prosperous life than I ever have before and spending about 30% less money than I had been- including all the travel that we’re doing.
ALL FROM LISTENING.
It’s one of the most valuable practices and tools we can engage in. Talk about reciprocity. I mean, my god- is there anything better than really being heard and listened to? I feel like so often in communication, when person A is talking, person B is really just thinking about what they’re going to say next. Of course this reigns true in relationship, but also consider the power of reducing the noise so much that you were really able to listen to your internal callings, to the truth of your soul, to what’s a genuine yes and what’s an obvious no….
One thing I practice often is LISTENING to others on purpose as a way not only to be there for them, connect, and hold space but to also practice it intentionally so the neuroscience of neuroplasticity works in my favor: the more you do anything (and I mean anything- positive and negative), the more natural and ingrained it becomes. You get good at what you do on repeat. Period. And so I love audio texting because you have to listen to the other person on the other end- for 10 minutes (or if you’re like me and my core peeps I audio with regularly, it’s more like 20-30min 😳😂😏) you cannot interject, interrupt, offer advice or your perspective, you can throw in how their story reminds you of you… you just listen. THEN, it’s your turn to reply and they must listen. It’s like snail mail in a way. I also have implemented the practice with my children and Ben of asking “are you looking for advice, my thoughts, or do you just want me to hold space” when they’re beginning to share a story, an issue, or a challenge. I want to know what they’re needing in the moment by starting out with LISTENING. It’s my way of saying, “I’m here for you, but please be clear about what it is you need from me that way I can really listen with purpose.” Sometimes we just need to be heard, we don’t really need someone else’s thoughts or advice… and then there are times when an outsider’s perspective is so valuable. When I begin by listening to their needs, I’m also listening to my own needs and creating conditions for me to use my energy wisely. If their intention is simply to talk and be heard, then it would be such a waste of my time and energy to then give my thoughts or advice in return. And the more I practice listening, the easier it becomes and the better I become at it. And it’s from that place that I’m able to discern what’s worth my time and energy, where it’s needed, and how to best use it in order to support my overall happiness, vitality, and wellbeing. The more energy I have, the more I’m able to give the best parts of me to others, my work, and this mighty planet. So listening is a massive win for all.
I offer you an opportunity to devote yourself to the listening for the next few weeks. As a practice. Perhaps for you that means getting clear on what is noise vs what is supporting your highest good. Maybe it means having a day of silence or simply setting the INTENTION to listen before every conversation. The more you do anything, the more natural and ingrained it becomes. And the more you listen, the better it is for everyone and everything.
Below is a beautiful playlist to support the energy of listening. A cultivation of really beautiful songs that don’t feel noisy and chaotic. To listen, we don’t have to be fully quiet and still- we just have to reduce the noise…
Sending you all so much love and prayers for a meaningful few weeks where together we are listening.